I'm letting Go

You all know that my emotions have just been going CRAZY lately. The three emotions I have felt the most are fear, hurt and anger.
I have been afraid of the future. I haven't known what to expect my life to be like from now on. I have been worried about simple things, like who is gonna mow my yard and fix my car and take the boys fishing and work on their bikes and things like that. I have worried about what my personal life will be like. I have four amazing children that I am now raising alone. I come with what may be considered as quite a bit of baggage. Who is gonna want me? Will I be alone forever now? Will I ever know what it is like to really be loved? But most of all I think I have been afraid because I am clearly not in control. I never have been in control but I thought that if I gave all I could give, did all I could do, that would keep my family together. Now I realize I can do nothing to fix what he has broken. I don't know what comes next. That scares me.
I hurt...more than I even knew it was possible to hurt. I hurt because I trusted this man with everything I have in me. I loved him with all that I am. I gave myself to him completely with no reservations. I was faithful and devoted. Even tho he was abusive in every way it is possible to be; Even tho he was unfaithful, I was determined to keep the vows I made to my husband before my Lord. I would have stayed with him for better or worse until the day I died. I hurt because all of that wasn't good enough. I hurt because I don't think he ever really loved me. I hurt because all of this was allowed to happen. I hurt because the hearts of my children are shattered and I can't make it better for them.
I have been SO angry. The anger has just consumed me. I have been angry because that's just my natural reaction to being hurt. I've been angry because of what he is doing to my babies and he doesn't seem to care about anything except him self.
But now, I'M LETTING GO of all of these emotions. I'm sure they will sneak back in from time to time but they will not consume me like I have been allowing them to do.
I'm letting go of fear. Because even tho I don't know the future, even tho I am not in control, I know that my God is. I know that He is faithful and He loves me more than any human ever could. He has a plan for us and even if that plan never includes a man... I AM NOT ALONE! He will never leave me...NEVER!
I'm letting go of pain. HE is able to put my heart back together again. He is able to heal the very worst hurt anyone could ever feel. I will let Him.
I'm letting go of anger. Even tho Tommy has done so much wrong...and continues to do so; I will not spend my life being angry at him. There is no need for anger because I know that something AMAZING is going to come out of this mess because my God causes ALL things to work together for my good! I'm excited to see what He's gonna do in my life now!
Letting go isn't easy. I think what may be even harder than that is to forgive him. Right now this is all so fresh and I never thought I would be even thinking about forgiving him this soon. But last night I realized that Tommy isn't the enemy. I'm not fighting against flesh and blood here... and neither is he. We both have the same enemy. His name is Satan and he has already been defeated. :)
Here is the plan. I'm going to pray for him. Every time I feel angry or hurt or scared, I'm gonna pray. I'm not just gonna pray for God's grace to help us through this like I have been praying for. I'm not going to pray for God to put our family back together. I'm going to pray for Tommy to reconcile with God...not with me. I am going to pray for Tommy to be able to hear the voice of God. I'm going to pray for God to make Tommy into a brand new man. I'm going to pray for Tommy to draw closer to God everyday. I'm not gonna pray for God to judge him and punish him for his wrong. I'm going to pray for God's blessings on him. My Bible says that it is the goodness of God that brings us to repentance. It would be great if you could all join me in prayer for Tommy. I know that he can be the man that he is called to be. I know that he can be the father that the kids need him to be. And maybe one day he may even be able to be a good and faithful husband...not my husband... maybe for someone else. :) I'm not going backward. I'm moving ahead. I'm letting go.