Wait

It's funny how we sometimes want something so badly that we try to make our own version of it. Sometimes it works. Like if you see a trendy new blouse but can't afford to buy it... it is possible to make one that looks the same and can be just as good as the original. That doesn't work with everything. Some things we just can't do or make on our own.

I saw a quote this morning that fits my life so perfectly right now. I feel like it was advice straight from God. It said this, "Don't settle for Ismael... when God has promised you Isaac."

People have been trying to do God's job and fulfill His promises in their own strength since the beginning of time. Abraham and Sarah are two of the most recognized for that very thing. They wanted a child so badly but they were way beyond their baby making days. Yet, God promised to make their descendants innumerable... just like the stars in the sky. They were tired of waiting for God to keep His promise so they decided to help Him out and try to make it work. Surely a child shared with her maid would be just as good and they would be one big happy family... right? So Ishmael was born and the drama came with him. Imagine their surprise when the true child of promise came along a while later. So much pain could have been avoided had they waited for God to fulfill His word.

The same is true today. Only heartache comes when we put ourselves in His place and try to do His job.

Today I encourage you to wait for your Isaac...

What I WAS going to say...

All day I thought about blogging. I had planned to come home from work and blog about what a crappy day I had today.
I think I may have changed my mind. I may share with you all of the unfortunate events that happened today... but only so that you can chuckle with me.
The day started out with me jumping outta bed and running through the house to the bathroom for a shower. I woke up late... again. As I showered, I noticed that the water was getting deep around my ankles. As it turns out, the bathtub drain is clogged again. I just poured an expensive bottle of Drano down it last night. Apparently it wasn't strong enough to fix the problem.
I turned the water off and started to step out of the shower. Then I realized that there were no clean towels in the bathroom. After I finally got myself dried off and dressed, I prepared to dry my hair. I then discovered that my nearly new, barely used hair dryer no longer works.
I hugged my babies who cried because I had to leave them) and left for work. I got a short distance down the road and realized I had forgotten my purse. I had to turn around. I was already running late.
I finally made it to the mall only to find that there were no parking spaces to be had. I circled the parking lot a few times and finally found a place that was so far from our store that I had a hard time finding my car when it was time to go home this evening.
When I finally made it in to the store, I put my purse in the refrigerator and my cold lunch in my locker (yes... I really did) I clocked in almost 10 minutes late. I finally began work. I was on register all day long. It made the day go by faster but it seemed that I couldn't hit the right buttons. I couldn't hold on to the money. I couldn't count correctly. I continually had to ask my customers to repeat themselves because everyone I rang up today talked in a whisper. SPEAK UP PEOPLE!
My niece... whom I LOVE more than words could ever tell... was upset with me because we had a misunderstanding about which day she was supposed to spend the night ( I thought it was next weekend. She said it was tonight). She called me a b****.
I had to stop at the grocery store on the way home because we had nothing to cook that didn't need to be done in the oven... one of the elements in the oven went out today. :/ I had to spend more money than I wanted and buy things I don't approve of ( convenience foods that are FULL of fat and sodium) to feed my babies because I could get REAL food to make in the oven. :/
I FINALLY arrived at home and was greeted by my babies... which was, and always is, the highlight of my day. I made dinner, fed my babies and finally got to sit down. I did NOT get to go out tonight with my friend from work as we had planned.
Oh... one more thing... Today is my 35th birthday.
Happy birthday to me.. right?
Right! Because I am blessed with 4 children who love me enough to miss me when I am gone. I have a fella (Dave) who loves me more than I realized was even possible. The drain that keeps clogging is part of a home that the Lord has provided for me free of a mortgage or rent. I have food to feed my family and a way to prepare it. I have not one..but now two jobs (thank you God). I have a dependable vehicle that gets me from point A to point B every time I need it to. I had food for lunch. I DID finally find a place to park... that was actually AT the mall this time. I have time to myself tonight to rest and wind down. Most of all, I have a God who loves me in spite of my grumbling and ungratefulness. He always takes care of me... even tho sometimes He waits until the last possible minute to take care of my problem. I am sure that when I learn to NOT stress over it, He will take care of it right away. These tests build my faith and I am thankful for them.
So I WAS going to say... OMYGOSHWHATACRUDDYDAY!
But instead, I am saying, "This is the day that the LORD has made! I WILL rejoice and be glad in it!"
"Thank you Father for another birthday! Thank you for another day to spend with those I love and who love me. Thank you for giving my faith an opportunity to grow today! I love you. And I am thankful that you love me." ♥
I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings! It's gonna be a GREAT day... I can feeeeeel it!

Part THESE waters please

I look back over the previous posts on this blog I am completely ashamed of myself for the way I feel right now. I totally feel sorry for myself. I feel like every time I take a few steps forward I not only get knocked back a step or two. I get knocked down flat on my rear. This has happened so many times I think my booty is bruised.
Normally I would be positive and declare that all things happen for a reason and that it will all work together for my good. Lately I'm just not feeling it.
I read about mountains moving and waters parting. I know it is real. I know it happened. I know HE did it then and is still able to do it now. I know all the promises. I know all the stories. I know all the scriptures. I don't need one more person to quote me a scripture and tell me to just stop worrying and smile.
I need a mountain to move in MY life. I need that big ocean of problems that is standing between me and my peaceful outcome to just part and let me walk right on through on dry ground. I need it to close up swallowing all my troubles behind me. I need my car fixed so I can take my kids to church and to their psychiatrist and to therapy so they can learn to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. It would be kinda great if I could get back to therapy as well. It would be fantastic if I could find a job so I could provide for my babies. It would be great if I could pay my bills. It would be amazing if my dead beat ex husband would pay his child support or go to jail like the law says. It would be great if we could actually have hot water in the house. It would be nice if the oven would work. Those are my mountains. I'm done trying to climb across them. I'm too tired now. I want them moved.

One step forward and two steps back... but at least I'm still going!

Just when I thought things were getting a bit easier to handle something else comes up. The boys have told me that their father has been sexually abusing them for as long as they can remember. And the last time I picked them up from his house I had to take two year old Samantha to Children's Hospital ER with vaginal bleeding. This has kinda just knocked the wind out of my sails. This was NOT supposed to happen to my kids. For years I ONLY left them with their father because I didn't trust anyone else. I guess that backfired on me huh?
I filed a police report so now there is an active police and DCS investigation. Tommy should be indicted in around 3 months. Not sure how long it will take after that for him to go to jail. Until then I have an order of protection against him. He isn't allowed to have any contact at all with us for at least the next 6 months. The kids are very relieved but they still seem to be nervous. They still ask me everyday, "Mom, please don't make us go back to Daddy's house." It breaks my heart. I wish I could take their pain and feel it for them so they didn't have to. I feel so helpless.
I am still looking for a job. There are a few promising prospects. I am waiting for a call back. And praying in the mean time. God knows what I need and He will provide it. I have no doubt. Until the job comes I have been selling everything I have of value. I have borrowed money. My church has helped. My friends have helped. My family has helped. My God just keeps on providing my every need according to HIS riches... yep that's just how He rolls.
I just wanted to give y'all an update on what is going on. Remember to keep us in your prayers... He is listening and He is answering.
Trusting in Him,
Shirley

from the other side...

So, It's been a while since I've posted at all. Not on this blog or on either of the other two. Let me tell you that it isn't because there has been nothing to write about. PLENTY has been going on.
The divorce has been final for a tiny bit over a week. I have taken my maiden name back. I have full custody of my four babies and Tommy sees them 8 days per month. He never even calls between visits. I think he is happy with his part time parenting duties. Without having to take an active role in the lives of his children, he has more time to spend with his new family; More time to devote to another man's son. I am also happy with this arrangement. It could only be better if he were gone from their lives completely. I don't say this because I am just being a spiteful EX wife. I say it because He is neglectful and abusive to his children and it would be less traumatic for them if he just walked away and let a better man take his place.
I still have been unable to find a job that would meet the unique needs of my family. However, I am sure that God has the perfect job waiting out there some where for me! :) I have been able to do some freelance photography work which has helped with some of the bills. YAY! God did recently provide some of the photography equipment I needed for some potential jobs. So, who knows? Maybe photography will be the thing that pays the bills for some time to come. I am praying LOTS about that. How awesome would it be to be able to make my own hours since I am a single mother of four!? Y'all could pray about that for me too... I'd appreciate that. :)
In other news, There's this man...
He makes me smile. He makes me laugh (a LOT). He makes me feel very special. My children LOVE him and he is fantastic with them. I am so thankful that he is in my life right now. He has made things SO much easier in so many ways. He has not only made things easier for me, but for the kids as well. He is truly filling a gap that I think we thought would be empty forever. I'm not saying he's the one. I don't even wanna THINK about going there at this point. But right now... I'm glad he is here in our lives and in our hearts.
Through this whole thing I have prayed that we would come out better, stronger and happier on the other side of this divorce. I know that many of you have been praying with me. Thank you. So here we are, on the other side. The kids are happier and less afraid everyday. They act like kids. They run and play and act silly without fear in their home. :) They still have questions. They are still confused about a lot. But all in all, they are doing well. My little Tommy has given his heart to God and accepted Jesus as his savior. He was Baptized last Wednesday. He asked me not to invite his dad or even tell him about it because He didn't want his dad (or his dad's girlfriend) to be upset with him for following his heart and being baptized even after they told him that he was too young to understand what he was doing. He understands. He was excited. He is on his way to heaven! WOO HOOO!!!
As far as I am concerned... I smile brighter and more often. I laugh now. I cry, but not often. It is true that my heart is not what it once was. It will never be again. I'm not sure how hearts work again after they have been shattered. I do know that HE is putting it back together again in His own time and in in His own way. I know that when He is finished with my healing I will love deeper and stronger and without restraint or condition. I will trust fully and freely and without fear. When He is finished remaking my heart and when He is ready to share it with another, it will be the perfect gift for His perfect mate for my soul.

I'm letting Go

You all know that my emotions have just been going CRAZY lately. The three emotions I have felt the most are fear, hurt and anger.
I have been afraid of the future. I haven't known what to expect my life to be like from now on. I have been worried about simple things, like who is gonna mow my yard and fix my car and take the boys fishing and work on their bikes and things like that. I have worried about what my personal life will be like. I have four amazing children that I am now raising alone. I come with what may be considered as quite a bit of baggage. Who is gonna want me? Will I be alone forever now? Will I ever know what it is like to really be loved? But most of all I think I have been afraid because I am clearly not in control. I never have been in control but I thought that if I gave all I could give, did all I could do, that would keep my family together. Now I realize I can do nothing to fix what he has broken. I don't know what comes next. That scares me.
I hurt...more than I even knew it was possible to hurt. I hurt because I trusted this man with everything I have in me. I loved him with all that I am. I gave myself to him completely with no reservations. I was faithful and devoted. Even tho he was abusive in every way it is possible to be; Even tho he was unfaithful, I was determined to keep the vows I made to my husband before my Lord. I would have stayed with him for better or worse until the day I died. I hurt because all of that wasn't good enough. I hurt because I don't think he ever really loved me. I hurt because all of this was allowed to happen. I hurt because the hearts of my children are shattered and I can't make it better for them.
I have been SO angry. The anger has just consumed me. I have been angry because that's just my natural reaction to being hurt. I've been angry because of what he is doing to my babies and he doesn't seem to care about anything except him self.
But now, I'M LETTING GO of all of these emotions. I'm sure they will sneak back in from time to time but they will not consume me like I have been allowing them to do.
I'm letting go of fear. Because even tho I don't know the future, even tho I am not in control, I know that my God is. I know that He is faithful and He loves me more than any human ever could. He has a plan for us and even if that plan never includes a man... I AM NOT ALONE! He will never leave me...NEVER!
I'm letting go of pain. HE is able to put my heart back together again. He is able to heal the very worst hurt anyone could ever feel. I will let Him.
I'm letting go of anger. Even tho Tommy has done so much wrong...and continues to do so; I will not spend my life being angry at him. There is no need for anger because I know that something AMAZING is going to come out of this mess because my God causes ALL things to work together for my good! I'm excited to see what He's gonna do in my life now!
Letting go isn't easy. I think what may be even harder than that is to forgive him. Right now this is all so fresh and I never thought I would be even thinking about forgiving him this soon. But last night I realized that Tommy isn't the enemy. I'm not fighting against flesh and blood here... and neither is he. We both have the same enemy. His name is Satan and he has already been defeated. :)
Here is the plan. I'm going to pray for him. Every time I feel angry or hurt or scared, I'm gonna pray. I'm not just gonna pray for God's grace to help us through this like I have been praying for. I'm not going to pray for God to put our family back together. I'm going to pray for Tommy to reconcile with God...not with me. I am going to pray for Tommy to be able to hear the voice of God. I'm going to pray for God to make Tommy into a brand new man. I'm going to pray for Tommy to draw closer to God everyday. I'm not gonna pray for God to judge him and punish him for his wrong. I'm going to pray for God's blessings on him. My Bible says that it is the goodness of God that brings us to repentance. It would be great if you could all join me in prayer for Tommy. I know that he can be the man that he is called to be. I know that he can be the father that the kids need him to be. And maybe one day he may even be able to be a good and faithful husband...not my husband... maybe for someone else. :) I'm not going backward. I'm moving ahead. I'm letting go.

Who can stand against me?

Wow. What a day we had yesterday. I had to go to DHS and sign up for Families First. They will pay for child care while I find a job or work or go to school. The plan is that I will go back to college. Yay me! I'd like to be a social worker. While I was getting things all set up for that DCS was at the school talking to my kids. Then they came to my house to talk to me and 'inspect". They said that there had been a complaint made against me. Of course we all know it was Tommy or his mother. Things went very well for me. She said the complaint was unfounded. She also said that Isaac told her he was afraid of his Daddy and that he never wanted to see his daddy again. :( poor little fella. Little Tommy didn't say much to them at all. She did say that they were both very angry with their dad and that I should probably get them into counselling. Of course I was a step ahead and I already have them scheduled to see their therapist. Tommy is also collecting attendance records from the school and medical records from the doctor. Unfortunately for him the kids have no unexcused absences and all the records will show that I am the one who ALWAYS takes them to the doctor. I am extra careful and take them even when they really didn't need to go...just to be sure. I am the one who is involved at school. He never takes them or picks them up. He's never been to s school function or a parent teacher confrence. It's always been me. Tommy and these kids have been my life since they came along and EVERYONE knows it. Everything he tries to do to make me look bad just ends up showing that I am a good mother and he has been a bad husband and father. I have been so angry because he is the one who has abandoned his family. He is the one who has committed adultary. He is the one who has been abusive to us and I have only loved him and been comitted and faithful. I have kept my vows. Yet, he is still accusing me of wrong doing. He is still trying to take everything...even my kids. He really believes that he will come out ahead in all of this. Apparently he doesn't know his Bible as well as I thought he did. He can try to lie and cheat and play dirty all he wants but ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR ME! If my God is for me then who can stand against me? Certainly not Tommy! God knows the true story of the past 12 years. God knows my heart and God knows Tommy's heart. I can say without a doubt that God is on my side. :)