I'm letting Go

You all know that my emotions have just been going CRAZY lately. The three emotions I have felt the most are fear, hurt and anger.
I have been afraid of the future. I haven't known what to expect my life to be like from now on. I have been worried about simple things, like who is gonna mow my yard and fix my car and take the boys fishing and work on their bikes and things like that. I have worried about what my personal life will be like. I have four amazing children that I am now raising alone. I come with what may be considered as quite a bit of baggage. Who is gonna want me? Will I be alone forever now? Will I ever know what it is like to really be loved? But most of all I think I have been afraid because I am clearly not in control. I never have been in control but I thought that if I gave all I could give, did all I could do, that would keep my family together. Now I realize I can do nothing to fix what he has broken. I don't know what comes next. That scares me.
I hurt...more than I even knew it was possible to hurt. I hurt because I trusted this man with everything I have in me. I loved him with all that I am. I gave myself to him completely with no reservations. I was faithful and devoted. Even tho he was abusive in every way it is possible to be; Even tho he was unfaithful, I was determined to keep the vows I made to my husband before my Lord. I would have stayed with him for better or worse until the day I died. I hurt because all of that wasn't good enough. I hurt because I don't think he ever really loved me. I hurt because all of this was allowed to happen. I hurt because the hearts of my children are shattered and I can't make it better for them.
I have been SO angry. The anger has just consumed me. I have been angry because that's just my natural reaction to being hurt. I've been angry because of what he is doing to my babies and he doesn't seem to care about anything except him self.
But now, I'M LETTING GO of all of these emotions. I'm sure they will sneak back in from time to time but they will not consume me like I have been allowing them to do.
I'm letting go of fear. Because even tho I don't know the future, even tho I am not in control, I know that my God is. I know that He is faithful and He loves me more than any human ever could. He has a plan for us and even if that plan never includes a man... I AM NOT ALONE! He will never leave me...NEVER!
I'm letting go of pain. HE is able to put my heart back together again. He is able to heal the very worst hurt anyone could ever feel. I will let Him.
I'm letting go of anger. Even tho Tommy has done so much wrong...and continues to do so; I will not spend my life being angry at him. There is no need for anger because I know that something AMAZING is going to come out of this mess because my God causes ALL things to work together for my good! I'm excited to see what He's gonna do in my life now!
Letting go isn't easy. I think what may be even harder than that is to forgive him. Right now this is all so fresh and I never thought I would be even thinking about forgiving him this soon. But last night I realized that Tommy isn't the enemy. I'm not fighting against flesh and blood here... and neither is he. We both have the same enemy. His name is Satan and he has already been defeated. :)
Here is the plan. I'm going to pray for him. Every time I feel angry or hurt or scared, I'm gonna pray. I'm not just gonna pray for God's grace to help us through this like I have been praying for. I'm not going to pray for God to put our family back together. I'm going to pray for Tommy to reconcile with God...not with me. I am going to pray for Tommy to be able to hear the voice of God. I'm going to pray for God to make Tommy into a brand new man. I'm going to pray for Tommy to draw closer to God everyday. I'm not gonna pray for God to judge him and punish him for his wrong. I'm going to pray for God's blessings on him. My Bible says that it is the goodness of God that brings us to repentance. It would be great if you could all join me in prayer for Tommy. I know that he can be the man that he is called to be. I know that he can be the father that the kids need him to be. And maybe one day he may even be able to be a good and faithful husband...not my husband... maybe for someone else. :) I'm not going backward. I'm moving ahead. I'm letting go.

Who can stand against me?

Wow. What a day we had yesterday. I had to go to DHS and sign up for Families First. They will pay for child care while I find a job or work or go to school. The plan is that I will go back to college. Yay me! I'd like to be a social worker. While I was getting things all set up for that DCS was at the school talking to my kids. Then they came to my house to talk to me and 'inspect". They said that there had been a complaint made against me. Of course we all know it was Tommy or his mother. Things went very well for me. She said the complaint was unfounded. She also said that Isaac told her he was afraid of his Daddy and that he never wanted to see his daddy again. :( poor little fella. Little Tommy didn't say much to them at all. She did say that they were both very angry with their dad and that I should probably get them into counselling. Of course I was a step ahead and I already have them scheduled to see their therapist. Tommy is also collecting attendance records from the school and medical records from the doctor. Unfortunately for him the kids have no unexcused absences and all the records will show that I am the one who ALWAYS takes them to the doctor. I am extra careful and take them even when they really didn't need to go...just to be sure. I am the one who is involved at school. He never takes them or picks them up. He's never been to s school function or a parent teacher confrence. It's always been me. Tommy and these kids have been my life since they came along and EVERYONE knows it. Everything he tries to do to make me look bad just ends up showing that I am a good mother and he has been a bad husband and father. I have been so angry because he is the one who has abandoned his family. He is the one who has committed adultary. He is the one who has been abusive to us and I have only loved him and been comitted and faithful. I have kept my vows. Yet, he is still accusing me of wrong doing. He is still trying to take everything...even my kids. He really believes that he will come out ahead in all of this. Apparently he doesn't know his Bible as well as I thought he did. He can try to lie and cheat and play dirty all he wants but ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR ME! If my God is for me then who can stand against me? Certainly not Tommy! God knows the true story of the past 12 years. God knows my heart and God knows Tommy's heart. I can say without a doubt that God is on my side. :)

the ANGER is here

So I think the anger phase is here. Everyone told me it would come. I have never been this angry for this long about anything. When I think about Tommy right now the emotion I feel the most is anger. When I see his face or hear his name or hear his voice I am overcome with anger. It is so strong that it makes my stomach sick. It's so bad that I could not be civil to him when I saw him on Saturday. I am also angry with those few who are showing him support in his very bad choices. I just feel angry at everyone that has anything to do with him...but mostly I feel indescribable anger toward him. It isn't quite as bad as the pain I felt...but almost. I never knew a person could hurt that much... and now I am surprised that I could feel this much anger. I just read what I have written so far...that's a LOT of anger! LOL! I do still fall apart and cry almost every day. I haven't so far today. I'm thinking maybe I won't. :) I have had his name tattooed over my heart for 11 years. Yesterday I had it covered by a butterfly tattoo. I chose the butterfly because it symbolizes a new beginning. I am ready for one of those. I am ready for a life in which I can be happy with my God and my family. I don't have to have a man there and right now I don't want one. I'm sure that somewhere out there, there is one that God has picked out especially for me and he will find me in God's time. Until then, I am just fine on my own. :) Please keep praying for us.

week three

This is week three. We are still making it. Today was tough. Today, Tommy jr. turned seven without his daddy. He cried a few times today because he misses his dad. He even said that daddy made his bday sad. I felt so bad for him. Poor kid. Tommy did call him this morning to wish him a happy bday...I was SO surprised. I figured he'd forget. He always has. I'm sure someone reminded him. He gets the kids tomorrow morning after he picks up the rest of his stuff. I'm not even sure what the rest of his stuff is...I just know he's coming for it. I dread seeing him. Life would be much easier for me if I never had to hear from him again. Of course I know that the kids need their dad and I want them to have him. I just wish he was a better man...a better example for them to follow. After this I don't want a relationship with another man for a long time but I pray that in God's time there will be a man who will love me and the kids the way we deserve to be loved. A man who will be faithful to God and faithful to his family. A man who can teach my boys how to be Godly men and who can show my girl what a Godly man is really like. There has to be a real Christian man out there somewhere who is meant just for us. I ask that those of you who are praying for us please continue to do so. We are looking forward to a brighter future but I still feel like we are in the shadows.