So here we are two weeks later. I'm still making it just fine. I thought I'd never make it without him. But I am. I'm making it everyday. and every day it gets easier. Sure I still cry and I'm sure I will for a while. But I don't cry everyday any more. I cried yesterday because I signed my divorce papers. Not the final ones, but the answer to his petition for divorce. These are the ones that tell him what I want out of all of this. This is all beginning to feel more and more final.
He hasn't contacted the kids (or me) in a week. The boys keep asking when daddy is gonna come see them again. I just have to say I don't know. They are also asking me if I will find someone else to come and live with us and work on their bikes and take them fishing and stuff. Two weeks and they already want a step dad. That's a lot of pressure on mommy! LOL.
We go to court tomorrow because of the order of protection I have against him. They will decide whether to dismiss it or extend it for a year. They will also decide on a temporary custody arrangement and child and spousal support. Tomorrow is a big day. It will also be the first time I have seen him in a week. I dread it. I think this whole thing is easier for me if I don't have to see him at all. I still love him and I wish I didn't. I wish I could just turn it off and feel nothing for him at all. I wish it was as easy for me as it seems to be for him. I wish we could just rewind and go back a few years before all of this started. Before he started being dissatisfied with me and wanting someone else. Maybe I could have done something to make things turn out differently. Or maybe not. Maybe this was destined for failure all along. Maybe he was just never my Mr. Right. That idea is a bit exciting, I have to admit. Because, if that's the case, then my Mr. Right is still out there and the best is yet to come.
Whatever the case, my kids and I WILL get through this together and we will come out stronger on the other side. We are looking forward to a brighter and happier future.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
I'm Doing All Right!
Well, I never thought I would make it this far. But as it turns out, I am MUCH stronger than I thought I was. I am getting through this. And I'm getting through it pretty well!
Tommy hasn't come back to see his kids or even called them. He left us with an overdrawn bank account no diapers and no way to buy food. I gotta say, I never expected him to be this kind of man. After being married to him for 12 years I thought I knew him pretty well. As it turns out, I didn't know him at all.
He strung me along for a week. One day he would tell me that he loved me and he thought he wanted to come home. He would say he just need a few more days to make up his mind. The next day he would tell me that he didn't love me and was sure he wanted a divorce. Then he told me that he loved me and he always had loved me. He hugged me. He kissed me and he left. The next morning he filed for divorce and is now trying to take my kids from me. I know without a doubt that he doesn't want to raise those kids. He never wanted to help with them when he was home. He just doesn't want to pay child support. He's just protecting his money.
To get money for groceries and gas this week I gathered up all his most valuable power tools and I pawned them. Yay me! His lawyer will be notified today and then he will get the pawn ticket. I wasn't totally mean about it. He still has the opportunity to get them all back if he can come up with enough money. That shouldn't be a problem since he isn't supporting his family anymore.
I gotta say, I'm doing all right. I'm starting over with my babies and my Lord. I have friends and family coming out of the woodwork to show their love and support and to help me any way they can. My house is in better shape. I have food and gas. I might even have enough money to last me a week or two. Yep. I'm doing just fine without him. Surprise! Surprise!
Tommy hasn't come back to see his kids or even called them. He left us with an overdrawn bank account no diapers and no way to buy food. I gotta say, I never expected him to be this kind of man. After being married to him for 12 years I thought I knew him pretty well. As it turns out, I didn't know him at all.
He strung me along for a week. One day he would tell me that he loved me and he thought he wanted to come home. He would say he just need a few more days to make up his mind. The next day he would tell me that he didn't love me and was sure he wanted a divorce. Then he told me that he loved me and he always had loved me. He hugged me. He kissed me and he left. The next morning he filed for divorce and is now trying to take my kids from me. I know without a doubt that he doesn't want to raise those kids. He never wanted to help with them when he was home. He just doesn't want to pay child support. He's just protecting his money.
To get money for groceries and gas this week I gathered up all his most valuable power tools and I pawned them. Yay me! His lawyer will be notified today and then he will get the pawn ticket. I wasn't totally mean about it. He still has the opportunity to get them all back if he can come up with enough money. That shouldn't be a problem since he isn't supporting his family anymore.
I gotta say, I'm doing all right. I'm starting over with my babies and my Lord. I have friends and family coming out of the woodwork to show their love and support and to help me any way they can. My house is in better shape. I have food and gas. I might even have enough money to last me a week or two. Yep. I'm doing just fine without him. Surprise! Surprise!
Monday, March 14, 2011
I Am Broken
The pain that I feel right now is unbearable. I thought that I was a partner in a happy marriage. Apparently I was the only one who was happily married. Last week my husband walked out. He's been back everyday to see the kids until today. Today he is just too tired. He says he hasn't been sleeping since he left. And my response is, I pray he doesn't get a wink of sleep until he comes back to his family.
At this point I haven't eaten a bite in 5 days. I just can't make myself eat. I'm barely sleeping and when I do sleep one (or all) of the boys have to sleep with me because an empty bed feels so unnatural after 12 years of marriage. Of course the kids are comforted by sleeping there too. They are having such a hard time. They just don't understand. I don't understand either.
This whole thing is just unreal to me. It is like a switch has flipped and the man that I love is transformed into someone else. Someone with no heart or emotion at all. He seems so cold. This is not the man that I married 12 years ago. That man meant it when he took his marriage vows before God.
He has killed a part of me that will never live again. Even if he comes back I just don't know how it could ever feel the same again. It feels like a little more of me dies everyday. I miss him so much. I am just a bundle of emotions. I am sad beyond anything I could ever describe. I am hurt more than any words could ever tell. I am angry. I feel betrayed. I am broken.
All I can do at this point, the most important thing I can do at this point, is pray. Every night the boys and I pray for him. We pray for his happiness, even if it isn't found with us. We pray for strength to get through this and happiness on the other side of it.
If you are a praying person, we would love it if you would remember us in your prayers.
Let me know if you are praying for us. It is encouraging to know that we are not alone.
At this point I haven't eaten a bite in 5 days. I just can't make myself eat. I'm barely sleeping and when I do sleep one (or all) of the boys have to sleep with me because an empty bed feels so unnatural after 12 years of marriage. Of course the kids are comforted by sleeping there too. They are having such a hard time. They just don't understand. I don't understand either.
This whole thing is just unreal to me. It is like a switch has flipped and the man that I love is transformed into someone else. Someone with no heart or emotion at all. He seems so cold. This is not the man that I married 12 years ago. That man meant it when he took his marriage vows before God.
He has killed a part of me that will never live again. Even if he comes back I just don't know how it could ever feel the same again. It feels like a little more of me dies everyday. I miss him so much. I am just a bundle of emotions. I am sad beyond anything I could ever describe. I am hurt more than any words could ever tell. I am angry. I feel betrayed. I am broken.
All I can do at this point, the most important thing I can do at this point, is pray. Every night the boys and I pray for him. We pray for his happiness, even if it isn't found with us. We pray for strength to get through this and happiness on the other side of it.
If you are a praying person, we would love it if you would remember us in your prayers.
Let me know if you are praying for us. It is encouraging to know that we are not alone.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Not What I thought it Would Be
So....Is there anyone out there who can look back on the expectaions they had of their lives and say...this is exactly how I thought it would be? If so...SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!! I don't wanna hear from you!
I, for one, am COMPLETELY dumbfounded at the way things have turned out so far! For starters...I am NOT a famous country singer..I mean, really, who saw that coming? I am not rich. In fact I am beyond broke. I have four kids. Who has that many kids? Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids! I wouldn't give them back for anything...well most days anyway. Some days I wonder how I have let them live this long.
I am married to a man that I ADORE. I would spend every waking second with him if I could. Unfortunately...he would spend every waking second with his motorcycle...or his buddies who also have motorcycles. I DON'T like motorcycles. I think they are rolling death traps. But that is just my humble opinion.
My house is too small... My bills are too big. My patience is too short... I could go on and on.
This is the part where I appear all righteous and say that I am happy with what I have. If that is what you are expecting then I suggest that you stop reading now! Beacause I want MORE!
I want more patience. I want more money. I want more SPACE! I want more time. I want more energy. I want MORE darn it! is that too much to ask?
I want to enjoy my life...and not just on pay day! I want to have fun with the kids without getting a headache. I want my hubby to arrange a baby sitter and plan a date just because he wants to be alone with me. I want to pay my bills on time....maybe even early. I want to always have gas in the car. I want to be caught up with the laundry and the dishes. I want to walk barefoot on my wooden floors WITHOUT stepping on some unidentified icky mess left by the little ones. I want to speak and have people remember what I said and maybe even be interested in it. I want to sing and have people want to hear it...and maybe even hear it again. I want to feel like I have enough energy to make it another day and not just another 5 minutes.
I just want more. Don't you?
I, for one, am COMPLETELY dumbfounded at the way things have turned out so far! For starters...I am NOT a famous country singer..I mean, really, who saw that coming? I am not rich. In fact I am beyond broke. I have four kids. Who has that many kids? Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids! I wouldn't give them back for anything...well most days anyway. Some days I wonder how I have let them live this long.
I am married to a man that I ADORE. I would spend every waking second with him if I could. Unfortunately...he would spend every waking second with his motorcycle...or his buddies who also have motorcycles. I DON'T like motorcycles. I think they are rolling death traps. But that is just my humble opinion.
My house is too small... My bills are too big. My patience is too short... I could go on and on.
This is the part where I appear all righteous and say that I am happy with what I have. If that is what you are expecting then I suggest that you stop reading now! Beacause I want MORE!
I want more patience. I want more money. I want more SPACE! I want more time. I want more energy. I want MORE darn it! is that too much to ask?
I want to enjoy my life...and not just on pay day! I want to have fun with the kids without getting a headache. I want my hubby to arrange a baby sitter and plan a date just because he wants to be alone with me. I want to pay my bills on time....maybe even early. I want to always have gas in the car. I want to be caught up with the laundry and the dishes. I want to walk barefoot on my wooden floors WITHOUT stepping on some unidentified icky mess left by the little ones. I want to speak and have people remember what I said and maybe even be interested in it. I want to sing and have people want to hear it...and maybe even hear it again. I want to feel like I have enough energy to make it another day and not just another 5 minutes.
I just want more. Don't you?
Play Station #3 Every Mother's NIGHTMARE
I have no idea who thought up video games. However, I am thinking of doing a little research on the subject just so I can send the jerk wad a nasty letter.
You would think that something that can keep your children occupied for hours at a time would be greatly appreciated by most mothers. Most mothers do not live in my house and are not married to my husband... who incedentally is the owner of said play station 3 and lets NO ONE forget it. I have four children IF you don't count my husband. Three of my children are boys ranging in age from 3 to 8 years old. Thank GOD the 20 month old girl hasn't figured out how to use the ps3 controller as of yet.
Now you may be assuming that the problem is wasted hours all tied up in violent and gory games. If so, you would be wrong. The problem is that the little ones can't take turns and the big one doesn't know how to share. That may evoke a tiny giggle...Let me assure you that this is serious and is no laughing matter. It has gone so far that the boys aren't allowed to play the ps3 at all. My husband has a safe that is made for holding guns....big guns. Apparently, this safe is also made for holding Playstation game discs and controllers becasue they are all inside. Not even I, the QUEEN of the castle, am able to access the safe. No, Only the king has the combination for the safe. This way I can't secretly allow the kids to have hours of mind rotting, soul defiling fun playing his ps3 while he isn't home.
So, now the kids whine and beg and I am impotent to ablige them. I also am unable to get to the guns...just in case the need to protect my family should arise...but hey... all the games are in their cases and the cases are in their places and all is right with the world.
You would think that something that can keep your children occupied for hours at a time would be greatly appreciated by most mothers. Most mothers do not live in my house and are not married to my husband... who incedentally is the owner of said play station 3 and lets NO ONE forget it. I have four children IF you don't count my husband. Three of my children are boys ranging in age from 3 to 8 years old. Thank GOD the 20 month old girl hasn't figured out how to use the ps3 controller as of yet.
Now you may be assuming that the problem is wasted hours all tied up in violent and gory games. If so, you would be wrong. The problem is that the little ones can't take turns and the big one doesn't know how to share. That may evoke a tiny giggle...Let me assure you that this is serious and is no laughing matter. It has gone so far that the boys aren't allowed to play the ps3 at all. My husband has a safe that is made for holding guns....big guns. Apparently, this safe is also made for holding Playstation game discs and controllers becasue they are all inside. Not even I, the QUEEN of the castle, am able to access the safe. No, Only the king has the combination for the safe. This way I can't secretly allow the kids to have hours of mind rotting, soul defiling fun playing his ps3 while he isn't home.
So, now the kids whine and beg and I am impotent to ablige them. I also am unable to get to the guns...just in case the need to protect my family should arise...but hey... all the games are in their cases and the cases are in their places and all is right with the world.
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